by nahin bin kaysar 12/08/2025 @ 1:59am
As the days pass by, some things become more apparent. Today I am going to tell you something, that I haven’t told anyone. Right now, my mental situation is not bright. You can say I am dissolved into my thoughts. But I call it the near peak of solitude. In silence you can hear the walls talking to you. Only thing I hear is the thoughts. These thoughts are mine. I am burdened with these. Sometimes they gave me company. Other times they screamed how alone I am in this world. Surrounded by people like it is almost a fake premise of looniness. As my stay at home is prolonging, my inner voice is becoming stronger. At some point I might not be able to bear it anymore. Hallucination will appear as dreams. Though I haven’t experienced hallucination anytime other than being sick. As a result, this happening has a very little chance. But a man wants to wonder.
Studying engineering is undoubtedly a thing I wanted to do. But Civil is not something I wanted to do. I wanted to do CSE – a thing I always tell me and other people. But exploring my life, one would say, I wanted to do a lot of things.
In the early days of my life, I had a hobby to tear apart the toys and find the motors in them. Any parts other than motor seemed pointless to me. A kid is amused by the motion. Not the description. once I tore apart a remote-control toy. What my goal was, is unknown to me. I tried to make the motor while being torn apart. And when it worked, I felt much joy. I now think sometimes if my parents were okay with me destroying things. I can’t tell about my father, but my mother was never happy. But I didn’t listen anyway – like I often don’t listen to people. Second portion of last sentence doesn’t look good, but whatever. What I believe, if no one can convince me otherwise, I don’t listen. When I do listen and give in to other people, things don’t go well. And in the last few years this thing has happened more times than I am willing to admit.
Around the same time, I also had a good interest in art. Well, I can copy something with a moderate accuracy. I have penciled portraits. You might know that.
My interest in computers didn’t start until high school. There were several factors. Me doing GTA modding and coming across the mission script. My ICT teacher being very enthusiastic with his subject. Me having a nice friend that would point me towards Visual Basic. There were other noteworthy influences – maybe my mother’s Nokia n70.
On the last portion of high school, I become quite good at my studies. I started to like science a lot – credit to my teacher and friends. What I wanted to do when I grow then changed.
Since the very beginning, I wanted to study in BUET. Now I am studying here. Not the subject I wanted, but the subject I deserved. I am still salty. I still yet to see the good in it.
Over the few years at BUET, I thought of various things – what if studied at subject X. Due to my hobby as tearing toys, I thought of Mechanical. I also had interest in arts – Architecture. I also played with electronics for a long time. So, I thought EEE was nice. This thought was never long term. And of course, CSE doesn’t need any reason.
But judging my life, Mechanical is probably the closest thing to what I am. I like mechanics. I like building robots. I like making art in paper and in Photoshop. I like AutoCAD. I like programming. I like electronics. I don’t need much else to say. A person is not just a single thing.
But even if I got into Mechanical, I wouldn’t be happy about it. I would have been still salty for not getting into CSE.
Life is lacking exciting things. Life is lacking dramatic moments. Leading a boring life wasn’t my wish.